Private Eye Potter
by Genini1
Summary: When the chips are down and you've got no one else left who do you call? Not Harry Potter if you want results.
1. Chapter 1

This is the result of a bit of a challenge I made to myself. One hour to put a story to paper or computer as it were and only the barest editing to make it readable afterward. It's just a crackfic, but like all crack it's good fun. I plan to post the rest of the chapters in a similar challenge format. Cheers.

/o.O.o\

"It was cold that day. I remember the barest wisp of a cloud my breath would make for an instant in the air. The cold had driven us all inside and it led me here , to this broken down classroom with only a scarred oaken desk and a chair to fill it. It had more though. It was barely tangible but the room held a sort of faint promise to the future. "

"You know I can hear every word you are saying, right?" Hermione interrupted me, standing in the entrance to the classroom I had claimed as my office. The sign Private Eye Potter hung lazily from the doorknob, rocking back and forth from the motion of being opened.

"You know, it's common courtesy not to interrupt a soliloquy in progress. How would you like it if I went around interrupting you all the time?" I replied.

"First of all when Shakespeare does it, it is a soliloquy. When you do it, it's just talking to yourself. And secondly you do interrupt me all the time."

I stared down the girl who dared interrupt my important activities. Frizzy brown hair that framed her worried face and legs that went for miles. She was a dame in need alright and I always help a dame in need.

"Can you go back to the talking to yourself?" she asked, slowly. "Somehow it's less creepy than you just sitting there doing it in your head."

I snapped out of my thoughts and focused on the matter at hand. "Well now what can I do for you Miss…"

"Harry, we've been best friends for 5 years now. You know my name."

"Can I call you 'Harry, we've' for short that's kind of a long name. Is it Scottish. I've heard the Scots have long names."

"As long as you don't call me Hermy I don't care what you call me."

I considered the deal at great length. For some it would seem an amazing bargain, but I knew it was a trap. There was only one response.

"No dice," I said. "I reserve the right to call you Hermy at any time."

"Harry," she said slowly, chocolate brown eyes filled with the milk of human kindness. "If you call me Hermy I will hit you with a shovel." The milk soured apparently.

"Do you mean like a trowel or a spade, " I asked "because that may influence the deal."

"No, it will be the shovel Hagrid used to scrape Fluffy's leavings from the third floor corridor," she sneered.

"Now I may not be book smart, or street smart, or magazine smart, or butter label smart, but I knew when a dame was acting scared. The only question is what it could be that would cause the shrewd, transcendently beautiful Hermione to act in such a way," I said aloud.

"Harry, you're not going to get out of this with cheap flattery," she growled out. I saw her resolve waiver and pounced.

"Hermione." I took her hand in mine and gazed soulfully into her eyes. "I would never attempt cheap flattery. I speak only the truth as I, and the world, sees it."

"Well-"

"Now come on, my faithful partner." I stood up quickly and bounded away from the desk a light pep to my step. "I smell a mystery."

/o.O.o\

After reminding me of exactly the type of behavior I am allowed and not allowed to use as a respectable hero of the wizarding world, Hermione accompanied me to the scene of the mystery. What some people know as the Gryffindor common room. Or as I called it, well the Gryffindor common room I suppose.

"The source of the mystery was a young first year by the name of Abigail, or Abbey as she preferred to be known. She was a shy sort with long hair that I hadn't really-"

"Stop talking to yourself," Hermione interrupted. "Now Abbey, Harry isn't really the insane person the paper tends to make him out to be."

"Are you sure?" Abbey asked, eyeing me with distrust. "I mean he was just talking to himself like he didn't even know we were here."

"I'll have you know I have an impeccable history with solving mysteries," I said. "I figured out who was trying to steal the Philosopher's Stone."

"You thought it was Snape until Quirrel literally told you it was him," Hermione muttered.

"I solved the case of the chamber of secrets," I tried again.

"Hermione was the one to figure it out. You just hissed at a sink," Ron pointed out from his spot playing chess with Seamus by the fire.

"I found out who put my name into the Triwizard Cup," I countered triumphantly.

"Didn't he have you captured in his office and reveal his plan before you actually did any figuring," Hermione asked.

"Well," I began, trying to figure out another example of my super sleuthing when it hit me. "I unraveled the mystery of who took Neville's candy!"

"That was you who took the candy in the first place," Seamus commented from his losing position in said chess game against Ron.

"Wait you did what?" Neville and Hermione both said at the same time.

"Yeah he said Neville was looking a bit pudgy and it would help the lad out if we helped ourselves to a bit of his candy." Seamus explained.

"Oh right." I turned back to Abbey. "The point is mysterys tend to get solved when they happen around me so let's hear it what happened."

"Well it's my bear, Barry. He went missing last night. I had him with me when I went to bed and when I woke up he was gone." She sniffled miserably and her eyes shone with tears. "I don't know what to do. I've had him ever since I was five."

"Don't you worry, Abbey. I will crack the case of who took your bear or my name isn't Harry Potter."

"It's not," Hermione said, absently.

"What do you mean it's not?" I asked "I think I know my own name."

"Your legal name is Harold Potter. Harry is just the short form."

I stared at her dully "Huh. Learn something new every day."

/o.O.o\

"Alright, Malfoy. Where is it?" I slammed aforementioned blonde against the cold stone wall, taking care not to knock his head against it. Concussions tend to make information gathering difficult, believe me.

"Where is what?" he squeaked out.

"You know what it is. Where is Barry?"

"Harry, I'm pretty sure this is against the rules," Hermione commented from her perch atop Crabbe, and Goyle's knocked out forms.

"There's actually a rule against strong arm intimidation?" I turned and asked.

"Well not specifically," she said after a moment's thought. "It's more of an implied frowning upon really.

"Perfect." I turned back to the ferret. "Now that we've gotten the legalese out of the way. Where is Barry?" I roared slamming him against the wall again for good measure.

"I don't know. I swear I don't know. Please don't hurt me," he whimpered out. I started to feel kind of bad about what I was doing. He sort of reminded me of the 1st year that sent me on this quest to begin with. Same high cheekbone, same octave of voice, same-

"Damnit, Malfoy. Stopping peeing right now," I ordered all thoughts of mercy forgotten.

"Harry, I think if had taken the bear he would have said something by now." Hermione absently restunned the slowly coming round Crabbe.

"Yeah you're probably right," I agreed. "Have you heard anything at all about a bear?" I asked Malfoy.

"What?"

"Have you heard anything about a bear?" I roared. "Have. You. Heard. Anything!"

"Yes! Snape," he managed to squeak out.

"Snape?"

"He, he was talking about a bear I heard him."

"And so the plot thickens," I muttered. This made perfect sense. Professor Snape obviously hated the bond between a girl and her bear and the jealous rage drove him to the darkest depths of depravity. Such a fiendish crime only one as evil as he was capable of.

"I really don't think Professor Snape would steal a first year girl's bear, Harry," Hermione said, nose buried in a book.

"You never think he's guilty of anything," I pouted. I mean replied.

"He never is guilty of anything," she pointed out.

"That just means we have to go deeper."

"I swear to God I will never allow you to watch another movie again," Hermione sighed into her hands.

Note to self, ask Madame Pomphrey to take a look. Hermione has been doing that a lot lately.


	2. Chapter 2

'This was it,' I thought. 'Zero hour. The moment of truth. The vital moment. The… three examples are enough. Moving on.'

Bracketed flames flickered across the flagstone path as I ran. The journey from Malfoy's interrogation to Snape's classroom was a long one, but I went with all the speed I could muster. There was a little girl out there missing a bear and I could only imagine the sick, heinous, twisted acts Snape would be performing on Barry. He'd probably only give 1 sugar at the tea parties!

"My God, Hermione. We have to get there and save that bear," I declared.

"You realize you've been standing outside the door for the last five minutes don't you?" Hermione continued to read, still sitting on the unconscious body of Crabbe. She did look slightly smaller at the other end of the hall though.

"There's no time for arguing," I yelled back. "Operation Shock and Awe has begun."

"Harry, I don't think-" Hermione started, but it was too late I had to get in there. Now.

"Pullaro!" The door flew inward with a massive bang at the spell. A snap drop into a roll to minimize my form against surprise attacks and I was inside wand up and ready for anything.

Twenty stunned faces and one rapidly purpling one stared back at me.

"Hang on. That didn't feel right," I said with a frown.

"Potter-" I walked out of the room and closed the door with a soft snap to shut off the rest of Snape's rant.

"Alright," I said to myself. "Time for Operation Shock and Awe 2: The Shocker!"

My wand work forced the door open again and a combat roll got me into the room safely again, but when I came up it was time to put The Shocker into effect.

"Oh Yeaaah!" I yelled, to the same stunned faces. Possibly restunned faces, not really sure there.

"Potter! What do you think you are doing?" Snape's face had gone from waxy and pale to a deep mottled purple from sheer rage. Vernon could take lessons. Well the thought of taking lessons from a wizard might let him do it without the lessons. Catch 22 that.

"I'm doing operation Shocker, sir." I answered honestly. "I'm not really sure about it though. It's better than just Shock and Awe, but there's still something missing."

Snape's mouth just hung open with disbelief. That or a rage so intense it transcended the mortal ability to form words and he was now trying to convey it with his eyes alone. Six of one.

"And don't you try to get me off the subject," I accused. "Where's the bear, Snape?" I pointed an accusing finger at the fiend.

The dull incomprehension of deep seated hatred continued without an answer.

"Where is Barry? I know you have him, Snape."

"Have you lost your mind, Potter? Why would I have this Barry?" Snape's thin fingers gripped the desk. I could see white on them from how hard he was pressing. Or maybe he was just naturally that pale. "Granger, you have on occasion shown something more than the barest hint of imbecility. What is he blathering on about."

"Sorry, Professor." Hermione's timid voice came from behind me. "We are trying to find a lost teddy bear and Harry thinks you might have something to do with it."

"Not just think," I said. "I know. Why'd you do it. Was the bond between a girl and a bear too much for you? Did you sit up for nights imagining the heist? Did the thought of her tears make you happy? Well did it?" I roared.

"Let me make this perfectly clear," Snape started. "In no way shape or form have I had anything to do with this… Barry," he sneered.

"That's not what Malfoy said."

"I find it hard to believe that Mr. Malfoy would have told you anything of the sort given your history."

"There may or may not have been a bit of strong arm intimidation," I admitted. "Maybe."

Snape stared incredulously. "Potter, there are no mere words capable of expressing the sheer number of points I am going to take."

"Try a googolplex, sir," Hermione volunteered. "Also it's not against the rules to use strong arm intimidation. There was some sort of incident in the 1300's where-"

"I will give back the points if you agree to cease this incessant blathering at once." Hermione looked torn at the offer. Love of knowledge vied with a love for earning a googolplex of something. The point was somewhat moot however since she had to stop talking to consider it.

"And as for you Potter." Snape turned back to me. "Get out of my classroom and never darken it again if you aren't in a class."

"I'm not leaving without the bear! There is nothing you can do or say that will get me to leave without him." I set my feet firmly on the ground and stood straight. Nothing!"

He sighed and brought a hand to his forehead trying to soothe a headache with long, spindly fingers. "Potter, I do not now nor have I ever had this Barry the bear."

"Then why did Malfoy say you had him then, hm. Checkmate, Snape, I've sunk your battleship," I said.

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy heard me talking about a bear. And no," he said before I could get a word in. "it was not about your teddy bear."

"Oh yes, I believe you. You were just talking about the North American grizzlies that are everywhere around us," I said sarcastically. "Face it. Either fess up or be prepared for me to stay here forever."

"The bear is someone I am meeting the weekend."

"You're meeting a bear for a night on the town?" I asked sarcastically.

"Not a bear the animal, you twit," he sneered. "A bear the person."

"A man-bear, like an animagus?" I asked, confused.

"Harry," Hermione whispered low into my ear almost tickling me with her breath. "A bear is a large, hairy, burly man typically known for their presence in the homosexual community."

I stood stock still as I absorbed the information. Professor Snape was going out for a night on the town with a bear and there was only one correct way to deal with that information.

"Flashbang!" I yelled, waving my wand before turning and sprinting out of the room and down the corridor, making sure to step on Malfoy of course, as quickly as my skinny legs could carry me.

"You can't just yell flashbang and run." Came from the rapidly diminishing classroom. It couldn't have been Hermione saying it thought, because clearly I could do just that.

/o.O.o\

AN: Thanks to everyone for all the read and reviews. Always remember to review if you like a story, because I had forgotten about this one until someone just recently left a review.


	3. Chapter 3

This was not good. Not only was I now zero for 37 on accusing Snape of being up to nefarious acts I had no more clues to go on. Usually all I had to do was follow Malfoy or Snape for a little while and boom, mystery solved. It looked like this case wasn't going to be so easy to crack. I may need some help.

"Are you ready now, Harry?" Luna asked, from just across the desk of my office. "I wouldn't want to interrupt your inner monologue if you aren't ready."

"Thanks, Luna, I appreciate it, but I'm done now." I put my feet up on the scarred oak desk and leaned back in my chair, arms behind my head. Then I realized how uncomfortable that position was and just sat down regular. "What information do you have for me?"

She sat up straighter in her own seat, platinum hair shaking to show the turnip earrings she always wore. "I think you may need to consider the possibility that this is a conspiracy," she said, seriously.

"A conspiracy, you say. But who would conspire to steal a bear?" I asked.

She shook her head. "It's not about the bear, Harry. You have to look at the big picture. Think about it. Who stands to gain the most in this situation?"

"Alton Parker?" I offered after a moment of thought.

"Who is Alton Parker?" she asked, brow scrunched in confusion. An odd appearance for her that's for sure.

"He's the man who lost the election to Teddy Roosevelt. I figured that he was jealous he lost the presidency and that we have Teddy bears rather than Altony bears." I frowned. "It's just not nearly as catchy though."

"That would make sense," she mused, thinking it over. "But there is a better explanation. The only one which really makes sense when you think about it."

I thought over her words carefully. If there was one person I would trust about conspiracies it would be someone from Alabama that lacked good oral hygiene, but Luna was a good source in their stead. And then it hit me. Literally.

"Ow. Why did you throw a shovel at me, Hermione." I rubbed my left shoulder where the hickory handled trowel had impacted. "That could have really hurt."

"Don't be such a baby. It was only a trowel," she rolled her eyes. "Besides it's the least you deserve after running away screaming about Professor Snape being a sexual deviant and leaving me to deal with him."

"If you never bring up his weekend activities again I promise to forget all about this shovel incident," I offered.

"No dice," she said sweetly, throwing my own words in my face and taking the last seat in the cramped office. "Hello, Luna."

"Hi, Hermione," Luna dreamily replied. "You are looking well for having had a close encounter with the rotfang conspiracy."

"I thought that had to do with sugar and dentistry?"

"Ah, but that's what they want you to think," Luna said knowingly.

"That's, ah, good I guess. Harry," she turned back to me. "Why are we back in your office?"

"Where else would I go to solve a mystery?" I asked. "Honestly Hermione, it's like you don't know how things are done."

"And have you solved this mystery yet?" her voice went low and I swallowed nervously. When Hermione lowered her voice it meant bad things were going to happen. And given she had access to magic and the largest magical repository of knowledge on Earth things could happen very badly indeed.

"Luna was just about to reveal who was behind this conspiracy all along," I said hurriedly.

"I was?" Luna asked.

"You were," I answered firmly trying to convey a sense of urgency with my eyes.

"Oh well I suppose I might as well tell you now if I was going to tell you earlier," she leaned forward in her seat and Hermione seemed to forget her ire momentarily at the incoming revelation. "There is only one logical answer. The only person who had the means, the motive, and the opportunity to commit so heinous a crime in the name of a greater cover-up."

"Go on," Hermione urged.

"It was Malfoy," Luna said simply.

"No, we already checked him. He pissed himself in his hurry to deny any involvement," I said.

"Was it funny?" Luna asked.

"It probably would have been funnier if the little blighter had been right next to me when he did it." A shudder ran down my back at the memory. "I still feel dirty just thinking about it."

"Make sure to wash yourself thoroughly," Luna advised. "The scent of the yellow bellied ferret is known to attract predators from miles around."

I wasn't sure how much to trust her advice, but it seemed almost foolish not to. Nothing good ever came from Malfoy. "I'll be sure to do that, Luna, but that still doesn't help us find out who is behind this conspiracy."

"I just told you. It was Malfoy."

"We checked him out," Hermione said, shaking her head.

"You checked out a Malfoy. There is more than one you know." Luna's eyes twinkled merrily with mischief. Almost like a younger, hotter, decidedly more female version of Dumbledore that didn't have a beard or I guess not really at all like Dumbledore. Analogies are hard.

"Wait, a Malfoy you say." I snapped out of my musings comparing Dumbledore to Luna, nothing good could come from that anyway. "You think his daddy had something to do with this?"

"I think there is only one way to find out," Luna said seriously.

"Yeah, but where are we going to find that much petroleum jelly at this time of night?" I asked.

Hermione sighed in dejection and put a hand to her forehead as though to rub away a headache. "I'd better go with you two. There is no way for this to end without the two of you in Azkaban."

"That's the spirit, Hermione." I jumped to the desk in excitement and pointed towards the door. "With you along we're sure to go to Azkaban."

"The goal is to avoid prison, Harry. Avoid," she stressed.

"Are you sure," I asked suspiciously. "That doesn't seem right."

She sighed. "I give up."

"That's the spirit! The first step towards success is giving up." I hopped off the desk and out of the room.

"Don't worry, Hermione," I heard Luna say. "He's just a little insane."


	4. Chapter 4

"Can either of you," Dumbledore began. "Explain exactly why I have a report of Lucius Malfoy, head of the Malfoy Family, perhaps the most racist and bigoted person currently in existence, entering school grounds, hitting on Professor Hagrid. Calling him a quote 'Giant barrel of sexy time fun' before shaving all the hair off his body and diving into the black lake sans clothing?"

Hermione and I sat in Dumbledore's office after our… excursion being lectured by the professor. The same odd devices lay scattered about the office. One putt putting a steam of rainbow colored smoke. First scarlet, then jade, then sapphire, then jet, then.

"Harry," Dumbledore said, looking concerned.

"Sorry," I apologized. "I just sort of got bored and zoned out. You have some pretty cool stuff laying around." I reached out and waved a hand through the multicolored smoke and felt the cool whiff of condensation appear.

"Harry," Hermione hissed, jabbing me sharply in the ribs. "Now is not the time."

A twinkle appeared in Dumbledore's eyes. "Most of it is nothing more than a pile of shiny junk I'm afraid. The one you are so enamored with for example emits a cloud of smoke corresponding to the house of the last person who spoke. Then for some odd reason a former headmaster jinxed it to be fair and cycle through all of the houses."

"See, Hermione. Professor Dumbledore thinks it's interesting too." I rubbed my now bruised rib. "Why do you keep hitting me anyway."

"It's not very nice to hit people, Miss Granger," Dumbledore said. "Well unless they are into that sort of thing."

"What's this about Malfoy now?" I asked to avoid having to think about the last thing Dumbledore said. Hermione looked a bit green too. Greasy gits and people who probably wore a dinosaur skin condom should never talk about sex. Ever.

"The elder Mr. Malfoy was found in the Black Lake without any clothing gibbering on and on about the Rotfang conspiracy." Dumbledore lowered his glasses down his nose. "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

"Not really, no." I answered truthfully. "Maybe you should ask Mr. Lovegood. He could probably help you out more than we could."

Dumbledore stared at us searchingly and I stared back unflinchingly; right up until the point where I got distracted by the multicolored smoke again.

"Very well," Dumbledore started. "You are both free to go. Let me know if you hear anything that could be of use."

"Of course, Sir," I answered, grabbing a dumbstruck Hermione by the arm and dragging her to the every spiraling stairs. "We'll be sure to let you know if we hear anything."

"I can't believe we got away with lying to Professor Dumbledore," Hermione said numbly, standing at the top of the stairs, feet not working.

"Lie?" I asked. "I really don't know anything about the Rotfang conspiracy. Did you?"

"He was asking about Malfoy, not that stupid conspiracy," Hermione hissed.

"Oh," I scratched my head in thought. "Maybe he should have been clearer then. English is a hard enough language to use without all this ambiguity."

"I, I have no idea what to say to that," Hermione admitted.

"I get that a lot," I said happily, jumping off the last grey step and onto the flagstone floor. The ominous gargoyle standing to the side to let us pass.

"How did you get Mr. Malfoy to do that anyway?"

"Oh I have my ways," I said cryptically, eyes twinkling at full Dumbledore force.

"You just had Dobby drop a potion into his food, didn't you?"

"Maybe," I said. "That still counts as supreme cunning though."

Hermione sighed and apparently gave up on that line of topic. "What are you going to do now since Mr. Malfoy didn't actually do it?"

"Didn't do what?"

"He didn't take the stupid bear. The entire reason we've been doing anything today," Hermione growled out.

"Oh right that." I looked carefully around the corridor to make certain the coast was clear and no one was nearby to overhear us. "I've been thinking about what Luna said; about how the real question we should be asking is who has the most to gain by doing this."

"No one has anything to gain by doing this. It's a teddy bear, Harry, not a sack of gold."

"That's what I thought at first too, but then I realized I wasn't thinking hard enough. I had to go deeper. It's not about the bear at all."

"I don't understand," Hermione admitted. She looked like she had to bite into a lemon to admit that, poor girl.

"Just trust me. I'll lead us to the thief, or die trying," I declared grandly waving my arm about only to have Hermione grab it.

"Not die trying!" her voice went an octave higher at the command. "This is a toy, not the Chamber of Secrets here."

"Well I found that didn't I?"

"Only after I told you to look for pipes," she muttered.

"Well then," I clasped one of her dainty hands in between mine and looked deep into her chocolate brown eyes. "It's a good thing I have you with me, isn't it?"

She stared back in surprise at my action before blushing a deep scarlet, pulling her hand back as though burned.

"Alright. Let's find the bear."

"Onward my faithful companion! Ow," I rubbed the back of my head. "Stop hitting me."

"Then stop giving me reasons to," she growled back dangerously.

/o.O.o\

"Are you ready, Hermione?" I pulled out my wand and made certain the corridor was clear of any possible civilian casualties. Things tend to get hairy in situations like this.

"Ready for what?" Hermione asked. "You just dragged me through three secret passages, up four flights of stairs, and down this corridor."

"Excellent. Now on the count of three we begin Operation Shock and Awe Three: Operation Even Shockier." The tip of my wand began to glow almost imperceptibly at the upcoming action. "Three, two-"

"Harry, this is not a good idea."

"One, go! Pushola!"Alabaster light shone from my wand and the door swung inward with a bang that echoed down the hall. I repeated my flawless combat roll from earlier and entered the room wand at the ready, capable of anything. "Crap I forgot the oh yeah."

"You'll be fine." Hermione rolled her eyes and entered the room behind me, wand at the ready as well. "Where are we?"

"This is the thief's lair," I answered. "Look over there."

Hermione followed my finger and in the corner of the small abandoned classroom sat a small table with two small chairs; too small for even a goblin but they would be perfect for a teddy bear tea party.

"I don't believe it," she said, stunned. "You actually found the person who stole the bear."

"I sure did," I said proudly before realizing what she said. "What do you mean actually found?"

"You're just hearing things," she answered swiftly. "It's just like with the Basilisk."

"That makes sense," I shook the doubt from my head, this was Hermione after all. "The only thing left to do is wait for the perpetrator to show up. Then once he does," I punched into an open hand. "Bam, pow, zoom, right in the kisser."

"How can you be sure he'll even come back? We haven't exactly been quiet about this whole search, you know. If they were smart they wouldn't come back to the scene of the crime."

"They stole a bear from an eleven year old girl. Smart isn't the adjective I would use to describe them," I replied. "Now come on we need to get into a hiding place so we can catch them in the act."

"Where are we going to hide?" Hermione looked around the room populated only by four dust covered walls and a cold tea party set. She had a good point.

"Well we could-" The doorknob to the door squeaked out and began to turn with agonizing slowness. "Quick! Over here."

"Harry, I don't think-" I grabbed Hermione by the wrist and ran to the corner nearest the door. If we were lucky they would simply walk in and not look back. Hiding in plain sight. It's fool proof.

"Potter?" Professor Snape said with surprise before sighing with resignation. "I really should have known you would be here."

"So it really was you!" I accused, standing halfway to my intended hiding place. People open door fast it seems. Hermione stood behind me; shocked into inaction by how I was completely right about Snape all along I'm sure. "Why'd you do it, Snape?"

"I already told you I had nothing to do with your little bear incident."

"Oh yeah then why are you here at the scene of the crime?" I demanded.

"Because someone was screaming and breaking down a door that led to a swarm of first years crowding my office with tales of unstoppable dark wizards," Snape said sarcastically. "I'm a Professor, you dolt. Do you think I would come here when I have my own private apartment?"

"Maybe that's what you want us to think," I answered suspiciously. "Maybe you aren't even really a professor at all."

"No, he's a professor. He teaches classes and everything." Hermione seemed to have shaken off her stunned silence.

"Alright, Snape. If you really are a professor then what is the square root of a million?"

"It's the number of points you'll lose if you aren't out of my sight in 10 seconds," Snape snarled. "One-

"Okay his story checks out," I muttered.

"Harry," Hermione hissed, grabbing my wrist. "Let's go before we get in trouble."

"Two," Snape continued.

I opened my mouth to continue, but apparently Hermione grew the strength of ten men when under the threat of point loss and started dragging me out of the room by force.

"You haven't seen the last of me, Snape," I yelled out.

"I see you in class every day, you twit," he called back. Huh he usually doesn't rise to my bait. Must have caught him on a bad day. Hermione kept dragging me further and further and I waited for her to realize we could stop but she didn't slow down.

"You can stop now, Hermione," I said. "The bad man is gone."

"Oh right. Sorry," she apologized. "I sort of got distracted when he talked about how many points we would lose," she flushed a deep scarlet in embarrassment.

"It's alright," I said sadly. "It's just too bad our last lead didn't pan out."

"I wonder who actually took the bear?" Hermione wondered aloud.

"I guess we'll never know."

/o.O.o\

Meanwhile in the darkest, dankest basement Hogwarts had.

"More Tea, Mrs. Fluffybottom?" Draco tenderly gripped the teapot and poured the imaginary beverage with all the care one might devote to handling a dragon or TNT. The rotund cat doll he was serving showed her appreciation by remaining completely still and silent.

"Boss lost his mind, eh Gregg?" Crabbe said from their position guarding the only entrances to the room from would be intruders.

"Didn't exactly much to lose to begin with." Goyle answered as Draco added precisely two creams and a sugar to the tea.

"Think we should try and get him some professional help?"

"Nah," Goyle said, "probably wouldn't get paid as much."

"True," Crabbe agreed.

"Who is a pretty, pretty princess?" Draco cooed adoringly at the newest addition to his collection. A bear he had found just lying around his God father's apartment.

And so ends the tale of who stole Barry the bear, because in the end aren't we all a little guilty of stealing him? The answer that question is no, Snape did it. Read and review if you want more tales of the vaguely interesting adventures of Private Eye Potter.


	5. Chapter 5

"Following the successful resolution of my inaugural case as an official private eye I decided to take some well-deserved time for rest and reflection."

"You aren't an official private eye," Hermione corrected. "You just hung up a badly painted sign in an abandoned classroom. You didn't solve your first case either."

"She got her bear back didn't she?" I said.

"She got A bear back," Hermione corrected again. "Tranfiguring a new bear is hardly the same as finding the one she lost."

I stared at her searchingly. "I don't understand the difference," I admitted.

She sighed. "I know you don't, Harry. I know you don't."

Her sigh scattered the rich emerald green puff of smoke emitted by the small bowl on my desk. A gift from Professor Dumbledore for solving the first case, or appearing to solve at any rate. The cramped, abandoned classroom I called an office was granted in an official capacity and I even got access to the staff house elf. Access I could never, ever use around Hermione.

Leather bound vellums bearing the names of some of the greatest minds in history lined the maple bookshelves of the newly renovated office. Some of those books weren't even disguised Playwizard magazines! Everyone knows you hide the drink in Socrates.

"Harry, are you even listening," Hermione's scowling visage brought me back to reality. I had to think quickly, find a way to placate her.

"No time to rest on our laurels, Hermione. We have a duty to the school we must see through to the end," I declare. "Think of children!"

"We are children and I thought you were going to rest and reflect," she said suspiciously.

"I would never say something like that. Perhaps you're thinking of some other irresistibly sexy Harry," I offered.

She sighed again and shook her head, letting her hazel hair fall free. "Harry, Harry, Harry," she said in that sensual way only women can do. Warm chocolate eyes gazed at me from across the desk and I swallowed reflexively. "Why do you say things you know will make me hurt you?"

"He probably has some sort of a sadomasochistic I imagine," Luna said from the doorway. "Did I miss anything?"

"Oh good you're here. Hermione, meet my new intern Luna," I said, ignoring the bits about my personal life.

"It's nice to meet you, Hermione." Luna said gamely, offering her hand. Metal clinked across her wrist at the motion.

"Luna, we've already met. We are already friends. You don't need to introduce yourself again."

"Ah but I'm not the Luna you met before. Now I'm Luna, the intern! Getting coffee by day, sneaking under desks by night-"

"So what case did you find," I cut her off before the Bill Clinton references got too obvious.

"There's not much in need of solving I'm afraid," she sat down in the hard worn chair, smoothing out the slight ruffles in her dress as she did. "Only a few boring ones."

"Oh well in that case we might as well take the day off," I said. "Clear my schedule, Luna. I think I'll go fishing."

"But, Harry," Hermione started. "I thought we had to solve these mysteries for the sake of the children?"

"He did?" Luna asked, before turning to me. "Harry, you have to think of the children!"

Here I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I could either admit I didn't actually care about the children except as an excuse for Hermione. Or I could deal with what promised to be a very boring day. There was only one option.

"The door is locked by the way," Luna reminded me.

"That you would even think I would yell fire, distracting you both, before conjuring a smokescreen, leaping over this desk and running away, is offensive on so many levels."

They both stared at me in silence.

"So what would you have yelled?" Hermione asked.

"Probably Nargles," I admitted. "Fire would just make you both draw your wands."

"You'll take the case then?" Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"Sure I will take the case unless something very important happens to come up before I finish this sentence," I ended hopefully.

"Wonderful," Luna clapped her hands together. "That means we get to solve the case of Who Stole the Slytherin Quidditch Team's Brooms!"

"I thought you said it was mundane/boring?" Hermione and I asked at the same time.

"I know it's not as exciting as trying to help a little girl find her bear, but according to some very reputable sources Slytherins are almost people too and they need our help."

"Isn't this the sort of thing the professors should be doing?" Hermione, the doubtful asked. "I mean no offense to Harry, but he is terrible at solving mysteries."

"It's a good thing you said no offense there, because otherwise I would have been really offended at your lack of faith in my skills," I said sarcastically.

"No problem," she said sweetly.

"The professors are investigating," Luna said. "But Professor Snape suggested that Harry could help."

"Snape? The man who has hated me since before I was even a twinkle in my father's eye? He is the one who thought I could help?" I couldn't reconcile my image with of the man with someone who would pay be a compliment no matter the venue. Meteors would sooner destroy the Earth.

"Well he didn't so much as say you would help so much as he said that since you probably took them anyway it was a case you might actually be able solve so Professor Dumbledore decided it would be a grand idea for Harry to help out."

That sounded a lot more like the Snape I knew. Guess we don't have to worry about falling rocks. Yet.

I nodded. "Well then it looks like it's time for Operation-"

"Oh. Oh. Can I name this one? Please?" Luna begged, eyes wide, brimming with cuteness. I tried to resist I really did.

"Alright you can name it," I relented. "Pick something good. We need to show up Snape after all."

She sat in her seat thinking for a moment before snapping her fingers. "I have the perfect name. Operation Red Dragon: Time to Do It Dragon Style!"

AN: Continuing on from where Harry left off as an investigator. He's moved up a bit in the world and solving mysteries commissioned by the staff themselves. What will happen? Who knows, certainly not me. Thanks to all the reader and reviewers and remember to always review (tell me I'm special!)


	6. Chapter 6

"Harry, you know how you don't like it when I hit you with shovels?" Hermione's voice cut through the darkness like a razor sharp knife.

"I seem to recall something to that effect." I rubbed my still aching shoulder.

"Then if you want to keep being shovel free you have 10 seconds to explain why you pulled me into a broom cupboard when we are supposed to be on our way to the quidditch pitch," she continued with all the sickly sweet sentiment of a 600 pound silverback Gorilla; a particularly angry and violent 600 pound silverback Gorilla.

"Isn't it obvious?" I asked.

"Explain."

"Well where else would we look for stolen brooms? I sincerely doubt we'd find anything in the pudding closet." An idea struck me. "Although-"

"No. No pudding closet."

"There would be butterscotch," I offered.

"What sort of foul, vile cretin would ever be swayed by the thought of butterscotch pudding?" A soft thump echoed from where she tried to stand in righteous anger only to be repressed by the unforgiving nature of the system. The system being a stone ceiling.

"Someone who likes butterscotch would probably be swayed."

"Exactly! Only the most heinous, foul, venereal disease filled person could ever like butterscotch when there exists the sweet, tantalizing perfection that is chocolate." Her eyes lit up with an inner fire so intense that I could actually see them in the dark confines of the cupboard. "Butterscotch is so terrible it is even Voldemort's favorite."

"Really?" I asked, genuinely surprised. "I didn't even know he could eat."

"Yes, really. Well probably. It would certainly fit his profile at least."

I stared silently at where I thought she was. "So you don't actually know then?"

"Lumos," she called out, ignoring the question. Light flooded into the small room in a wave revealing all the hidden treasures. Treasures such as dirty cobwebs strung low across the ceiling, a stain on the wall that looked like it could be blood, and a giant pile of junk sitting in the corner.

"Wait a second," I murmured. I walked over to the pile and there sticking out of the center, in all its mystery solved glory, was the rich ashwood handle of a racing broom. The exact type of wood the Slytherin team used. I smirked triumphantly at her. "See I told you I'd find them." I pulled it out. "Well?"

"It's a broomstick," she said flatly.

"Obviously," I rolled my eyes. "What else would it be?"

"No, Harry. It's an actual broomstick. For sweeping." I looked down and sure enough the bent straw of an ordinary non-magical broom stuck out at all angles. The same kind of broom Aunt Petunia would use if she hadn't burned every broom in the house when learning we actually rode them. Note to self: tell her we ride vacuums too.

"I've got it," I snapped my fingers. "What if someone transfigured the brooms into non-magical ones in order to fool us?"

"Or maybe it's just a regular broom. The kind you might expect to find in, let's say a broom cupboard," she finished sarcastically.

"Can't be right every time," I said dejectedly before perking up. "That means-"

"Pudding closets aren't real. You just made them up in order to distract me."

"Then it's time for plan B."

"Is plan B where we go to the quidditch pitch and look for clues?" she asked sweetly.

"It's time for plan C!"

/o.O.o\

"Plan C was to actually listen to me?" Hermione asked in shock as we walked.

"Well it used to be plan D, but then Luna pointed out that my ratio of shovels to the head as well as kidnappings both went down strongly when I listen to you earlier than plan D. I was doubtful at first by Wizardsoft Excel just doesn't lie."

"If listening to me works so well. Why don't you just make it plan A?" Hermione wondered.

"Because then my ratio of treacle tarts to vegetables eaten goes down of course. It's all there in the presentation."

The wind began to pick up before she could answer as we stood at the entrance to the Quidditch Pitch. Worn dirt trails looped around a grass field surrounded by towering structures of rickety, so very , very rickety, wood.

"Did you know that the stands were put up in 1600 after the last stand collapsed from the strain of so many students," Hermione said. "It was in Hogwarts: A history."

I edged away from the creaking megaliths, but there is only so far you can edge away from something with the word mega in the description. "Where do we start?"

"That's a good question actually." Hermione frowned. "Where do the teams keep their brooms?"

"We keep ours in our trunks. You would have to be daft to leave a firebolt lying around," I answered.

"Right. These are Slytherins so where would someone daft leave an expensive racing broom?"

"I think I remember Wood saying there was a place behind the locker rooms once," I offered. "I'm not sure because he was talking to someone who didn't play Quidditch about polishing a broom and when I asked he-"

"Right. Let's go check it out," Hermione interrupted.

The walk around brought us to what was in fact a 'public' broom storage closet. The words Slytherin only had been spray painted in green on a sign that now lay on its side in the grass.

"There isn't a door," Hermione said dully. "I looked and she was correct. A large gaping hole in the place where a door should be. The sign drew my attention again. It looked pretty cool with its uneven scrawl of fluorescent paint. It would be pretty eye catching in my office.

"You aren't stealing from a crime scene, Harry."

"I was gonna," I protested.

"Then what were you going to do?" she raised an eyebrow.

"I was just going.. to.. take it… without… permission. Yeah I was gonna steal it," I admitted.

A rough bleating interrupted us.

"Is that a goat?" I asked.

"It's a security goat," Hermione answered in shock.

Standing before us in all his goaty glory was the security for the shed. A light green badge was tied off against his budding horns and every time he bent his head to chew some grass the black metal of a flashlight could be seen. Union regulations and all that.

The goat stared at us as it chewed. It was kind of creepy really. "Maybe we should just go?"

"Are you really afraid of a goat?" Hermione asked.

"No, of course not. But look at that flashlight. He could probably shine it pretty bright."

Hermione shook her head. "Just get in there," I felt her hand against my back and before I could say a word I was falling headfirst into a broomshed.

/o.O.o\

That's all for this installment of Private Eye Potter. The next should be coming in the next day or two. For those who enjoy the story I ask whether you like the current update model of short chapters every couple days or would you prefer the story be updated in one chunks of solved mysteries? Review and let me know.


	7. Chapter 7

The broomshed wasn't nearly as dark as I figured a broomshed ought to be. Granted there was only a gaping hole where the door should be, but you'd think Slytherins would spring for ambience. At least they got the stone floor rough enough to bruise your shins part right.

"Are there any traps inside?" Hermione called from outside.

"No," I yelled back. "Wait. Did you just use me as a way to test if there were any traps?"

"Don't be silly, Harry." She crossed over the threshold, right past the security goat. "If you're not careful with your paranoia you may turn into Moody."

The thought of turning into an even more scarred version of myself, minus a leg, was significantly horrifying enough that I simply lay on the hard floor trying to get the image out of my head. Although when I really think about it having a fake leg could be kinda cool. I might even be able to turn it into some kind of grenade launcher or something.

"You cannot turn your leg into a grenade launcher, Harry," Hermione said. "You aren't allowed."

"How did you know what I was thinking," I asked suspiciously.

"Because you were rubbing your hands together and whispering 'blow them all to bits I will'."

"Oh," I said. "Hey is that a clue?"

Abandoning my plans for self-augmentation for the time being I went to take a look at the real scene of the crime. Set against the far wall was a broom rack. Your normal, average, every day broom rack that everyone knows well enough that it needs no further description.

"Is what a clue?" Hermione asked from over my shoulder.

Where the wood wall met flagstone floor lay a single brightly colored toffee wrapper. The letters WWW were clearly visible in a pattern of fluorescent colors that changed every second.

"Do you know this means, Hermione?" I asked.

"Of course I do."

"Excellent! Now the only question remaining is how exactly did Malfoy do it?" I rubbed the stubborn hair growth under my chin. "Perhaps he utilized some sort of lever or pulley system."

"I know I'm going to regret asking this," Hermione whispered to herself. "How exactly does this mean Malfoy did it?" she asked me.

I frowned. "It's pretty obvious I should think. Clearly Malfoy stole a bag of toffee and while in the process of enjoying his ill-gotten culinary treats he decided to take a walk down to the Quidditch Pitch, perhaps to taunt some first years. On the way he made the shocking discovery that explains everything!"

"And pray tell what is that?"

"Don't worry, Hermione. You'll get good at this mystery solving one day." I ignored the growl coming from my left. "Anyway he discovered that candy makes you fat. When he realized how much toffee he'd eaten and exactly what it would do to his thighs he had to go into damage control mode. There is a Quidditch match in three days and there is no way he'd be ready to go in front of the school in that amount of time. Which left only one solution.

I waited for Hermione to jump in with her own conclusion but she just kept staring at me and gritting her teeth while her hands kept reflexing forming strangling motions. Poor girl, just can't stand the excitement.

"Without any brooms there can be no game. So Malfoy, knowing how to get past the security goat, stole all the brooms in one fell swoop. It was almost the perfect crime too. Except for one small piece of evidence left behind." I grinned at the toffee wrapper in my hand with the satisfaction of a job well done.

Hermione breathed in and out, slowly counting from one to ten and then backward. When that didn't seem to work she went to 100 and back. When that failed she went to 1,000 by prime numbers, that finally did the trick.

"Harry, all that paper means is that the Weasly twins were here," she said slowly.

I rolled my eyes. "Really, Hermione? And how would they have gotten past the security goat? Honestly, I figured you'd think this through better." I ducked suddenly only to have a trowel whiz past my head and careen of the wall with a dull thunk. "Hah you-" The spade however did not miss.

"I think it's time to pay a little visit to the twins. Don't you agree?" Hermione smiled sweetly and I grinned back nervously from my customary spot on the floor.

"As long as there won't be any more shovels," I offered.

She giggled. "Of course there won't be any more," she promised.

/o.O.o\

"I want the shovels! I want the shovels!" I screamed from my position tied to a chair. Coarse rope snaked between my wrists and legs keeping me completely immobile. Scattered about the room were small, almost miniscule mirrors. The kind you would think were completely harmless until one sprouted a hologram of Snape that blew you a kiss.

"We call them Annoyance Be Gones!" Fred called from just outside the room. "Got a salesman at the door? No problem. Just drop one of these bad boys and you shan't see another for at least a month."

"This is pretty impressive," Hermione's voice came through the wall next. "How did you get such a complex spell to store in such a small place?"

"That was the easy part," George answered. I struggled against my prison as the next step materialized, lips full and ready for kissing. My wrists chaffed but I persevered. "The hard part was getting it to make a kissy face. As it turns out even hologram Snape's aren't a bundle of fun."

"Oh dear God," I yelled. "This one even looks like it washed its hair! Let me out. I learnt my lesson, Hermione," I pleaded.

I heard her sigh. "Alright you heard him. Let him go."

"You're the boss," Fred said. The ropes disappeared in a puff of black smoke and before you could say 'I say you he fast' I was out the door and into the hallway dry heaving.

"So many kissy faces," I moaned as my stomach protested the vicious treatment.

"Why are you here anyway?" George asked. "I can't imagine it was just to help us test our products."

Hermione ruffled through a pocket before pulling out the wrapper from earlier. "We were hoping you could tell us what this is and how it came to be on the floor of the Slytherin broom shed."

Fred took the paper and examined it, turning it over and perusing the writing, licking the remnants. "This is a Tricky Treat. It's supposed to make you invisible, but we never quite got the formula right." He frowned. "George, did we sell any Tricky Treats?"

He scratched his head. "Not that I know of. We never quite got it to give invisibility so it wasn't really worth anything."

"What'd it do then?" Hermione asked.

"It just made you think you were invisible," Fred answered. "Weird product to test really. You'd swear you were invisible, but everyone else could see you perfectly."

"Why didn't you sell them?" I asked, joining the conversation after dry heaving my way to forgetting my experience. "Seems like a pretty good joke."

"We thought about it, but every time we tested them out the bloke would just end up heading for the girls showers and tripping the alarms on the stairs," George said. "It was kind of funny seeing them try to explain it to McGonagall though."

"Less funny when she threatened to break our brooms over our butts if she found any boy made it up the stairs for the rest of our school career." They both shuddered.

"How could someone have gotten some then if you haven't made any more?" Hermione asked.

"Well McGonagall confiscated the few pieces we had left. They might still be in Filches office with the rest of the banned stuff." George shrugged. "Wasn't exactly a big deal to us."

"I think I know what happened," I said excitedly.

"I swear to God, Harry. If you say-"

"It wasn't Malfoy," I interrupted her. "And I have a plan to catch our would be thief." I grinned maniacally and rubbed my hands together.

"He's gone round the bend hasn't he, brother?" George asked, turning to Fred.

"Didn't figure that out from when he kept yelling about shovels? I guess I got the brains and the looks in our twinhood."

"Shovel Sorbet could be good," George commented absently.

"Or Shovel Soufflé. Something tells me this one will be popular with the ladies."

A.N. Small cliffhanger for next time. What is Harry's clever plan? Is it really clever? Is it really a plan? Who kicked Mrs. Norris? The answers to all three questions will be answered… right now! Yes. Yes. Professor Flitwick.


	8. Chapter 8

With greater care than I had ever given an action before, I set precisely three drops of industrial strength adhesive on top of the chair's wooden seat, all equidistant from center.

"Perfect." I stood up, reflexively wiping away any residual dirt on my knees.

"This is your trap?" Hermione asked doubtfully. "Glue on a chair?"

"Of course not." I grabbed the newly reupholstered cushion and set it atop the adhesive. "I just got sick of having a bad chair is all."

She stared at me and waved her wand. Three twists and a flick pulling an armchair out of the air for her to sit on. "What is your actual plan then?" she asked, smirking at me.

I sat down on my own, much better chair. "We know that the thief ate one of the twin's Tricky Treats during the robbery. That means it had to be someone with access to them. No one outside of the school would even know they exist. Which means it has to be a student that did it."

Despite the numerous holes with that logic Hermione had to admit it was probably a student. "Go on."

"That means we have someone who thinks they were invisible carrying seven brooms. Since no one has mentioned seeing someone like this in the halls they must have hidden the brooms outside for safekeeping."

"Go on," Hermione said again.

I shrugged. "That's all I got."

"I thought you said you had a plan?"

"Oh yes," I steepled my hands together and grinned maniacally. "My fiendishly clever ruse to catch the perpetrators of this devious misdeed. All I need is a little help from a most beautiful assistant," I finished, looking at Hermione's blushing visage.

/o.O.o\

"Thanks for the help, Luna," I said, nursing the wound on my shoulder from when I told Hermione who the assistant was.

"No problem, Harry. Are you sure it looks okay though?" Luna held it up to her eye for a closer inspection. "It might need to be bigger."

"Nonsense." I waved her off. "Nice inches of jet black covered in glitter is a sure thing."

She frowned. "I feel like comic sans font would connect with the evil of the perpetrators better though."

I shook my head at the thought of changing the sign to comic sans. "Luna, we are trying to trap bad guys here. Not become monsters ourselves."

"This is stupid," Hermione said from her position studiously ignoring our activities. "You don't really expect to be able to catch someone with that do you?"

"I'll have you know this trap is the height of human ingenuity," I huffed and stalked over to where the rest of the trap was already in place. The sign went next to a decoy broom the thief would be compelled to steal. Overhead a net swayed slightly in the breeze. "Once they try to steal the broom the net will fall and we have them!"

"There is no way this will work," Hermione said. "None whatsoever. You didn't even bother to disguise the net."

"It won't work if they hear you," Luna said crossly. "Now watch."

We all stood in a nearby copse of trees waiting for the thief to show up. Well Luna and I were at least. Hermione stubbornly had her back turned to us. Until the trap finally lured in the suspect.

"I dunno, boss. I think it might be a trap."

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "The sign clearly says it's not one. Honestly, Goyle. Can you even read?"

"The sign could be a trick though," Crabbe pointed out.

Luna nodded at me and I began phase two.

"Wordus." I flicked my wand and a smaller sign dropped down, hanging off the original.

"See. That sign says it's not lying." Malfoy walked forward and placed a hand on the ash shaft of the broom and the trap sprung. "Help! I need an adult!" he called as the high tensile acromantula silk fell around him.

My feet barely even touched the ground as I ran over. The trap had sprung, but it was almost too easy. That could only mean one thing. "We've got you now, Malfoy. Or should I say," I reached into the net and grabbed his cheek pulling hard.

"What the bleeding hell was that for?" he yelled.

"I thought you were wearing a mask," I said sheepishly. "Usually it ends up not being you who did it so I figured this time it was someone wearing a mask to frame you. But this time it really was you." I finished excitedly.

I felt someone smack the back of my head.

"What was that for, Hermione?"

"For forgetting about polyjuice potion or actually being right for once." She frowned. "I'm not sure which yet."

I turned back to our new captive. "So why did you do it, Malfoy? Was it for the insurance money?"

"What's insurance?" he asks, confused.

Hermione coughs. "Harry, wizards don't have insurance."

"Really?"

"Well they can repair almost anything with a spell. Not much reason to insure their things at that point." She shrugged.

I turned back to Malfoy. "So why do it then? Why did you take the brooms?"

"I didn't take anything," he insisted. "Why would I take my own broom?"

"Maybe to uh, uh, Luna help me out here."

"To help the RotFang Conspiracy," she supplied helpfully.

"Thank you. To help the RotFang Conspiracy. Now where are the brooms and don't make me get mean." I growled.

"Crabbe. Goyle," he squeaked. "Help me."

"Sorry, boss, but you know the rules. You only paid for one confrontation with Potter this month and it's already been used up," Goyle said. "If you want to increase your protection you can increase the terms that go into effect at the beginning of the month though."

I looked at Hermione and raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"Protection rackets hardly qualify as having insurance," she scoffs.

"I didn't take anything," Malfoy insisted again. "For all I know the brooms are back in the shed right now."

"Oh. They are," Luna said, playing with her turnip necklace.

As one we all turned to see seven broom through the doorless doorway of the broom shed.

"Ow." Hermione yelled, jumping away from me. "Damnit, Harry. Why did you pinch me?"

"To make sure you weren't dreaming," I answered. "But what are the brooms doing there?"

"What's all this nonsense going on over here?" Madame Hooch had arrived and demanded an explanation of what was happening on her precious pitch. We all started talking at once in an incoherent menagerie of noise and she sighed. "Mr. Potter, you explain."

"Someone stole the Slytherin team brooms and we thought it was Malfoy, but now they're back and you are here and I explained what happened and then it was now," I explained helpfully.

She slapped a hand to her forehead and groaned. "Does no one read the bulletin board?"

"I do!" Hermione said. I raised an eyebrow. "Well I have in the past," she amended.

"The brooms were temporarily removed to allow the elves to clean that filth ridden shack they call a broom shed."

"Elves can't clean around brooms?" I asked.

"Of course they can," she snapped. "But for whatever reason Mr. Malfoy's father forbade any house elves to go near his son or his things at the end of his second year. Which means they had to be removed first."

"That shouldn't have taken that long to finish though," Hermione pointed out.

"Despite what they might think I am not here at the behest of the Malfoy family. The only reason I moved the brooms in the first place was because that goat was starting to make the entire pitch smell. If they have to suffer without practice for a few days because of their own laziness it's their own fault."

Wheels turned in my head, cogs fell into place, pistons began to fire and before I knew it I had come to a realization.

"This means it really was Malfoy's fault the brooms disappeared all along," I cried out. "He bought the goat, the goat made a mess and that cause the brooms to be removed. I was right!"

"Can you follow that logic?" Madam Hooch asked Hermione.

"Not in the least. You?" she turned and asked Luna.

She scratched her head. "It's far to convoluted for me. Maybe if we had a three humped parrot we could follow it."

I stopped celebrating midway through a celebratory truffle shuffle. "Did you say three-way hump party?"

"Why yes," Hermione answered. "Yes she did." Hermione grinned in a way that made her incisors look even sharper and pulled two small, familiar looking mirrors out of her pocket.

I fell to the ground and curled into a fetal ball. Behind me the sound of glass falling onto grass happened twice.

"What happened to the shovels?" I cried out as the icy illusion Snapes touched in a way that felt so real. "Dear God, bring back the shovels!"

A.N. Read review and let me know what you think and what you like. Do you like the more dialogue focused format or do you want more exposition.


	9. Chapter 9

"Luna, I'm telling you it's too big." Hermione's voice streamed through my office door and I stopped cold, hand on the doorknob.

"Trust me. I know what I'm doing." Luna said. "If you just move around a bit it will fit without a problem."

The rustle of fabric made its way out of the room and slowly, ever so slowly, I turned the handle to peer inside.

"You were right. It's a snug fit, but it's in." Hermione hugged her book satchel tightly to her chest, happy she had managed to fit more books inside than ever before.

I sighed in disappointment at the dream that would never happen and pushed the door fully open. "Morning, ladies."

"Morning, Harry." They replied in unison; neither one actually looking at me as I walked in. I sat behind my desk which had somehow gotten a whole bunch of paperwork on it in my absence despite my generous application of fire the last time it had seen such a state. "What's on the agenda for today, Hermione?"

She arched an eyebrow. "Do I look like your secretary?"

"If I say no will that forestall any lingering resentment you have from me asking that?"

"Probably not," Hermione said after thinking about it for a moment.

"I have the costumes if you want to play naughty secretary and innocent boss," Luna offered. "I think Harry would look great in thigh highs personally."

Hermione and I both shuddered in revulsion at the thought. "Are you sure you haven't heard of any cases, Hermione," I pleaded.

She shook her head. "Sorry, but there's nothing mysterious to investigate that I've heard about."

"How can there be no mysteries to solve. This is a bloody school for magic."

Luna shrugged. "You could always try to figure out who shot Lincoln."

"That was John Wilkes Booth," Hermione said absently.

"Oh," Luna blinked her bright blue eyes. "I guess that's everything then. There are now officially absolutely zero mysteries to solve in this school." We all turned to face the sturdy oak door, but nothing showed its head.

"I really thought something was going to come through there," I said.

"Me too," Hermione admitted.

Just then the door suddenly remained closed. Not even a hint of motion.

"We could always work on who is going to try and kill you this year," Hermione said

I glanced at the calendar. "It's only February though."

"It's good to get a head start on these things. Maybe if you start now you'll have it wrapped up by exam time."

"That always seemed like the reward though. Geez Harry so sorry the guy I hired tried to kill you. How about no tests to take your mind off it."

"Besides," Luna cut in. "You get an automatic O if the defense teacher dies before there is enough time to replace him."

Hermione looked torn between the grade she so craved and the desire to actually take a test. "Fine. We won't do it," she grumbled. "Luna, do you have any ideas?"

"We could take on that one case we got," she said.

I blinked. "We got a case?"

Luna nodded. "Someone dropped this off earlier." She handed me a letter with the word mystery scrawled hastily in an unmistakably masculine hand. Which ruled out Draco unfortunately.

"Why didn't you say something earlier?" Hermione asked as I scanned the contents.

"Because you didn't ask," Luna said.

"Yes, I did and you said there weren't any mysteries," Hermione said.

"This isn't a mystery though. It's a case."

"You aren't going to win," I said to Hermione before she managed to continue. "You know she is technically right."

"That's the best kind of right!" Luna smiled brightly and adjusted the butterbeer necklace she wore absently.

"What's this case about then?" Hermione asked ignoring her momentary loss to Luna.

I finished reading the letter and cackled in delight. "This is going to be great. Apparently someone egged Snape."

Hermione and Luna both blinked. "You mean like with actual chicken eggs?"

"Yeah someone threw a dozen eggs at him in the great hall apparently." I sat back imagining all that gooey mess. Yellow yolks covering his greasy hair. Hilarious.

"What's the case then?" Hermione asked.

"Oh. I hadn't actually gotten that far. I just sort of read the part about a dozen eggs over and over again." I read it again for good measure and then scanned the rest of the letter. "It looks like they want us to find out who did it."

"Fred," Hermione said.

"George," Luna said at exactly the same time.

I shook my head. "Nope they are the ones hiring us. Apparently they are being punished for it and they swear they didn't do it."

"Are we sure they didn't?" Hermione asked.

"Do you really think they twins wouldn't take credit for egging Snape if they actually did do it," I threw the letter onto the desk. "If anything they would have pictures the size of a hippogryph showing them doing it."

"This could all be an elaborate ruse," Luna steepled her hands together. "Perhaps a fiendishly clever plot."

"Damn it, Harry. I told you not to show Luna movies. It's bad enough that you started acting them out." Hermione said.

"But don't you think she would make an amazing Inigo Montoya? She's perfect for the role." Luna beamed happily and made sword slashing motions with her hand.

"You killed my father prepare to die!" she cried out swashbuckling with the air, tendrils of blonde air floating as she danced.

Hermione sighed and cradled her head in her hands. "Fine. Let's just get this done."

I stood up dramatically and leaped atop the desk, knocking all the papers to the floor in a shower of lazy goodness. "This smells like a job for Harry Potter: Private Eye!" I posed heroically, hand extended in a peace sign.

"I'm sorry," Hermione said after a moment. "Did you just say it smells like a job for you?"

"Maybe." My cheeks heated up and my eyes whisked about for an escape, but all I could see was a giggling Luna and a smirking Hermione.

Curse them both and their ability to discern the meaning of different words.

I hopped off the desk and onto the papers I had so carefully knocked on the floor.

"Come on. There is no time to waste. Innocent lives are at stake." I ran out of the room, door swinging behind me, but I could still hear them.

"Does something smell fishy about all this, Hermione?"

"Of course. That's how we know it's for Harry."

/o.O.o\

Bit of a delay getting the next installment out, but good things come to those who wait and all that. Review and let me know what you think! Let your voice be heard. Maybe not listened to, but heard at least.


	10. Chapter 10

Normally the great hall would always be housing at least a few people. Even between meal times there was someone there picking up a forgotten quill or meeting a friend. Now it was completely empty; save four massively long tables and one more at their head.

"So this is where it all went down," I stood behind Snape's customary chair, carefully inspecting it for any remnants of a clue to be found.

"The elves vanished everything. There aren't going to be any clues," Hermione said. "I tried telling you."

I frowned. "In that case the only option is to try and recreate the scene."

"I'll get professor Snape." Luna turned fast enough her long hair whipped into my face.

Hermione stopped Luna before she got too far. "Harry just meant use a model for him. Right, Harry?"

"Er yeah. A model is what we need." My heart took a dive at the realization I couldn't pelt Snape with eggs in the name of science. "And eggs of course."

"Psst," the low hissing sound came from a shadow ridden corner just behind the head table. "Over here."

"Since when is there a shadowy corner in the great hall?" Hermione asked. "There is literally a sun shining down through the ceiling right now."

Luna and I ignored her obviously insane ramblings and approached the corner.

"I hear you need eggs." The voice was high pitched, but that didn't rule out a lot of people in a school with prepubescents.

"Yeah we need eggs." I tried to see more, but the shadows hid his face. "You got some?"

"I might have a few available for the right price."

"How much," Luna asked.

"Five."

"You're insane. We won't pay more than two."

"Four and that's as low as I'll go."

"Three."

The man in the shadows thought it over. "Deal."

"Luna, what did you just agree to give him," I asked completely lost. "You got us a good deal though. I think."

"You have to be a tough negotiator to be an ace reporter like me," she flicked her hair back and nailed me in the face again. I was starting to think she was doing it on purpose.

"You give me three rooms to clean and I give you eggs."

I blinked. "He's a house elf?"

"Who else would be giving out eggs in a corner of the great hall?" I didn't even realize Luna knew sarcasm. She whispered into his ear and his eyes grew even bigger in excitement. With a muffled pop he was gone and a basket of a few dozen eggs in his place.

I walked back over to the scene of the crime and frowned. "Now we still need a model for Snape. It doesn't have to be an exact match just close enough to see where the eggs probably came from."

The first egg splattered all over the back of my head without warning. The yolk dribbling down my hair, mixing with bits of shell to fall underneath my robes. I turned around just in time to catch the next one directly in the face.

"If you're standing up you are at about the same height Snape would be sitting down," Luna said helpfully, arms full of eggs.

"Yes, Harry. This is because you make the best model and not because you called me your secretary." Hermione grinned widely and her chocolate eyes danced with glee as her hand cocked back alongside Luna's.

"For Science!" they called together and the rain of aborted chicken fetuses began in earnest.

Like the brave, brave man I was I promptly ducked to the floor and cowered while waiting for their poultry assault to wane.

"Is it over?" I fearlessly lifted my head up slightly only to have a wet yellow glob detach itself from my hair and run down my chin.

"It's over." Hermione handed me a towel and I eagerly wiped the mess off of me. "I don't understand what this was supposed to prove though."

"I already explained that. We just compare what Snape looked like to the model after throws from various angles and we'll know where the eggs came from."

"We don't know what Professor Snape looked like though."

I stopped mid-motion, towel still against my face. "What?"

"None of us were there. We have nothing to compare this to." Hermione said slowly. "And that assumes Professor Snape didn't move at all during the egging."

I stood there in the nearly empty Great Hall for a long moment. Eggshells coated my robes and the wet goo was only being pushed around by the towel at this point. "I didn't think about that."

"We could try again," Luna offered, hefting an engorged chicken egg twice the size of her fist onto the Ravenclaw house table. "This might work even better!"

"Where did you get that?" I asked.

"There was a basket of them underneath the table. Nobody else seemed to notice them." A worried look crossed her face. "You don't think people are coming down with the Unseen-itis do you?"

Hermione reached under the table and grasped about the floor for a moment before pulling back and setting something on the table with a loud thud. "I think it's more likely to be an invisibility spell than a disease, Luna. How did you see it though?"

Luna's eyes grew unfocused and the room seemed to grow colder. "I see unborn chicken baskets."

"When?" I asked.

"All the time," she whispered.

The flat side of a trowel caught me in the chin and I went to the ground in a heap.

"I'm willing to look the other way when it comes to The Princess Bride, but I will be damned if there are going to be Bruce Willis impersonations." Hermione's wand still lay extended pointed at me as she began her tirade.

"Why me and not her?" I moaned out.

Hermione looked at a smiling Luna before looking back at me. "She's prettier than you. And more importantly she does a much better Inigo Montoya than you."

I frowned at the unfair comparison. "She is not prettier than me!"

She looked down at me sadly. The same way she looked at Ron when he failed to make the spell work for the 30th time in a row. The look that said she knew exactly what you were capable of, but was far too polite to ever say it in words.

"Fine," I grumbled getting to my feet. "But I do a better Daniel Radcliffe impression."

"Sure you do, Harry." Hermione rolled her eyes. "We believe that."

I ignored her subtle sarcasm and went to inspect the basket for clues. Almost immediately I had a realization.

"How are we supposed to find clues if the basket is invisible?"

Hermione sighed and tapped the basket with her wand. The air shimmered around the tip and sloughed off downward, revealing a woven wicker basket with a half dozen engorged chicken eggs lying within.

"I was kind of hoping there would be a paper with Snape attack plan written on it," I admitted. "We may have hit a dead end."

"You don't think that maybe you should inspect it for clues before completely writing it off?" Hermione asked.

"There is absolutely no way there are any clues in there." I said.

"What about this?" Luna reached into the basket and pulled out a small piece of treacle tart.

"A lot of people like treacle tart. Even I like treacle tart."

"Just because you like something doesn't mean a lot of people like it, Harry." Hermione took the desert piece from Luna and crinkled it up slightly in her hands. "In fact I can only think of one other person in this entire school who has ever displayed any sort of desire for it."

"Besides Ron," Luna added.

"Besides Ron," Hermione agreed.

I frowned at them disparaging my favorite desert. "Who?"

"Professor Flitwick."

AN: Did Professor Flitwick have something to do with the mysterious mystery of someone egging Snape? Maybe. Find out next time!

Thanks for all the reviews everyone and a special thanks to Oh I Am Slain and Galadriel for their words. I always appreciate any constructive criticism on my stories or writing style in general. It's the only way to grow.


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